Coming Out Lesbian, For The Third Time
A while back I was very pleased with myself. I had come out to all my friends and relatives. I had even broached the final frontier and come out at work. I thought I was finally free of the closet! Or was I? As it turns out, I was in for a rude awakening. Coming out never ends. It is a process that you will have to go through time and time again. Each time you meet a new friend, each time you change a job, or move to a new neighborhood the coming out process starts again, each time you meet a new set of people.
So what’s the secret to coming out over and over again and keeping your sanity? For me, simply normalizing the process has eliminated nearly all the stress of coming out. Here’s what I mean by normalizing. In conversation, people will often refer to their spouse or boyfriend when discussing weekend plans or describing their life. “My husband and I are going to the movies on Friday.” or “I live with my boyfriend and two kids.” I simply have the same conversation, only substituting the word partner for husband or boyfriend. “My partner and I are going to the movies on Friday.” “I live with my partner and three dogs.” I don’t announce the fact that I am a lesbian. I live the fact that I am a lesbian. Other people can listen, observe and form their own conclusions.
Normalizing the coming out process has a few advantages. First of all it de-dramatizes the process. When we de-dramatize coming out we exude confidence and send a message that being gay is OK. When we are comfortable with ourselves, others tend to be more comfortable with us also. When we take our lesbianism in stride, others tend to take it in stride too.
Normalizing also reduces the stress of coming out. Speaking about our partners as a matter of course, just like straight people talk about their spouses, simply becomes a habit, requiring little or no thought. Coming out then becomes a simple and natural part of your daily life.
For those who are coming out for the first time, there really is no way around the jitters and anxiety. But for those of us who have been through the process already, normalizing is a great way to live your life in an open and honest way.
Pat Cheney is a life coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife. She also works with lesbians to strengthen and energize their relationships. To find out more about her services, visit Pat’s website at www.discoveringpride.com.
Do You Want To Overcome The Fear Of Failure?
If you have a fear of failure, you’re not alone. Many people do. However, the fear of failure can do more than keep you from being successful. It can also hold you back in other areas, including simple life enjoyment. Often times, fear of failure develops over a period of time, often triggered because you did not get the acceptance and approval you needed from those who were important to you as you were growing up.
If you were raised in a particularly negative environment and received little praise for what you did, you may be among those who experienced fear of failure. Even as you strove for positive recognition and encouragement, you may have learned that no matter how well you did or how hard you tried, it wasn’t good enough.
This may have resulted in low self esteem and may even have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, feeding negativity. Over time, you may have developed an ever-present fear of failure that has made you reluctant to try anything new. If this has carried over into adulthood for you, you may fear that you’ll never succeed in anything you do.
Fortunately, you can overcome this fate. Here are six things to remember:
1. There is a relationship between fear of failure and the resulting (or even preceding) lack of success.
Even though a lack of success and fear of failure have some things in common, they are different. If you lack success, you haven’t succeeded for one reason or another. If you have a fear of failure, you won’t even try to succeed, which in turn of course will lead to a lack of success.
Let’s take a look at how much effort you’ve applied to succeeding at something. Do you see a pattern whereby you stop trying once you’ve lost confidence? If this is you, it’s something that can change and is in fact the biggest reason people fail to succeed. How long did you honestly, truly try before you stopped even trying to succeed with a particular endeavor? Stop for a moment and think about when you’ve lost confidence and subsequently given up trying.
2. How much time and effort do you give something before you give up?
Of course, no one is saying that you need to keep trying endlessly (especially in the same ways) at something that simply isn’t going to work. However, if you have experienced a fear of failure or lack of success previously, you may not have the patience and persistence you need.
Remember that successful people, too, have experienced failure. The difference is that they picked themselves up after such failure and gave things another try, perhaps taking a different tack. Increasing the amount of effort you give something without feeling overly stressed or willing to give up too soon is something you need to pay attention to.
3. Build relaxation into your schedule
Of course, you shouldn’t simply sit back on the couch and watch TV all day, but you do need to build breaks into your day so that you don’t get overly stressed and tired, which can lead to giving up overall. If you have an excess amount of stress and negativity in your day, this will give you an even stronger fear of failure. Take regular moments during your day to do something fun that will relax you, exercise, or otherwise take your mind away from the task of the moment. Doing so will put you in a more positive frame of mind and may even allow you to solve a problem you’ve been stuck on. It certainly will also ease the tension.
For example, if you can just work for half an hour before you feel stressed, take a small break every half hour. You’ll have an easier time pushing forward if you know that you’re going to take a break in just a few minutes. In addition, make sure you do push forward with full effort during the time you are working. Knowing that you’ve got regular breaks scheduled is, again, going to help you give your full attention to what you’re working on, which will increase your chances of success.
4. Baby steps are the way to go
Instead of trying to accomplish one huge project in its entirety, break it into small and easily achievable steps. Again, take breaks regularly so that you don’t become overly stressed or overwhelmed. If you do this, you’ll come back to your projects fully relaxed and re-energized, ready to tackle problems once again. In addition, this will help keep you positive in general.
5. Keep doing things you know you’re good at
If you know you’re good at something, make sure it’s something you keep doing regularly. If you know you’re good at something, you’re going to feel confident and self-assured when you do it. This, in turn, is going to give you the tools you need to carry that self-confidence and self-assurance into new activities.
With this confidence, you’re much less likely to fail and are also much more likely to take setbacks in stride. Therefore, you can take this confidence and utilize it in the efforts you make for new tasks you’re not yet comfortable with. This, in turn, will make it much less likely that you experience a fear of failure to the point where you want to quit.
6. Regularly boost your own self-esteem
One of the best ways to ensure your success is to make sure your own self-esteem is high. Often times, a fear of failure can have its roots in a lack of self-esteem. As you improve your self-esteem, you’re less likely to fear failure. And rather than relying on approval or acceptance from others, you’re going to be able to turn inward and focus on yourself and your own abilities. This in turn will help you garner self-approval in what you do, which is a much more reliable barometer. This makes others’ opinions of you less important.
If you focus on these keys, in time, you’ll begin to see your confidence grow and your fear of failure weaken. Ultimately, it may disappear altogether.
Kevin Sinclair is the publisher and editor of My-Personal-Growth.com, a site that provides information and articles for self improvement and personal growth and development.
How To Meet And Approach Beautiful Women At The Beach
The beach can be a great place to meet women over the summer months. There are lots of single women there, the location is very relaxed, the women are very attractive, and the beach lends itself to being social.
The truth is that there aren’t that many tricks to this. It really boils down to you starting a conversation with the woman of your choice and going from there. With that said, I am going to give you some tips to help you meet women at the beach.
Your Confidence Is Important
No matter where you meet women your level of confidence is important, but at the beach it is maybe more important then anywhere else. Why? Because at the beach women will be wearing very little clothing and so will you. Those two things could make you extremely nervous and insecure.
You don’t want to be too self conscious about your body. Get yourself a tan before you go to the beach. Try a good sunless tanning solution to get rid of that whiteness before you go to the beach. You may also want to work out a little bit so that your not too soft. You don’t need to be the biggest guy, but a little muscle will help.
You should also get yourself a nice bathing suit. At the very least get yourself something that is in style for this summer. Some nice looking sunglasses should also help improve your look.
Having a nice t-shirt or other summer shirt will also help. I recommend that you approach women with your shirt on if you do have a nice body. It shows the woman that your not trying to impress her.
What To Bring
You should bring just about anything you can think of that would get a woman to interact and socialize with you.
- A Frisbee
- A volleyball
- Beach ball
- A football
- Surfboard (If you know how to surf)
- Sunscreen lotion or oil
- A blanket
- A deck of cards
- Ice and drinks
- Snack and food
How To Meet Her
Go where the biggest crowds are. That is the easiest way to meet women at the beach. Try any of the following:
- Borrow some of her lotion
- Ask her if she would like to throw the Frisbee
- Invite her for a drink
- Just say “Hi” and make small conversation
- Move around. As women walk around you can say “Hi” to them
- Have a question to ask her and her friends.
- Get her opinion on something
Very standard and straightforward stuff. Not all women will be receptive to your approach, but some will be.
Conclusion
As you can see meeting women at the beach is a great idea. Just make sure you aren’t like most men who stair at women. If that’s all your going to do then there is no point in even going to the beach.
Tyler Moss teaches men how to meet and flirt with women. How would you like to meet, date, and attract the woman of your dreams? Now you can by visiting http://www.charmingmanblog.com and learn how to attract women.